Dealing with Anger: Discipline is the Doctor of the Mind

My Human Library
5 min readMay 7, 2024

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Photo by Tahiro Achoub on Unsplash

The angry and aggressive black man is a stereotype that has plagued us for generations. Though a natural human emotion, it often feels as though no other race is judged as harshly for their expression of anger as us. The double standard is palpable. It influences personal interactions and systemic responses, shaping a narrative that unfairly positions us as inherently more dangerous or aggressive. This stereotyping contributes to a broader societal issue where our anger is often met with fear, misunderstanding, or disproportionate consequences.

However, though we are judged more harshly, we must ask ourselves whether our anger serves us or seeks to destroy us.

More at Stake than Just the Moment

Though our anger may be fleeting, the echoes of its impact can ripple through eternity, shaping perceptions, altering futures, and carving out legacies. It’s a testament to the power that resides within us — the power to dismantle, build, tear apart, or mend. Over the years, one constant has remained: there is always more to lose through an expression of anger than there is to gain.

The light in your wife’s eyes dims whenever you lose your temper. The hero you once were to your child creeps closer to villain status with every angry outburst. The promotions and opportunities you deserve slip through your fingers each time you let your temper flare in the workplace. And though it may be hard to see in the moment, even our own mental health suffers when we constantly give in to anger.

The truth is, the man looking back at you in the mirror changes each time rage takes the wheel.

I’ve come to realise that the key to substantial personal growth lies not just in the avoidance of conflict but in the strategic management of emotions. It goes further than keeping the peace. It’s about falling so deeply into a calm state of mind that our presence is never questioned, and our actions are always purposeful. Managing our anger is not about suppressing or denying it but understanding and channelling it constructively.

The Boiling Pot of Life

Life isn’t easy. Maintaining composure when pressures from every direction simmer like a pot on the brink of boiling over is hard. These pressures come at us from every direction — societal expectations, economic struggles, racial discrimination, and the constant demand to prove ourselves in every aspect of our lives. These challenges are not just external; they rage within us, threatening our very status as men.

The natural response to feeling cornered or misunderstood is often anger. It has become a defensive mechanism that kicks in when we feel our identity, worth, or achievements are threatened. For many of us, showing vulnerability feels like an impossibility, a sign of weakness we cannot afford. Anger becomes a more accessible outlet to assert control and demonstrate strength, even when we feel anything but strong. It’s a cycle that’s as understandable as it is damaging, reflecting not just personal turmoil but the weight of generations of inherited struggle and expectation.

Discipline as the Antidote

Though it may be difficult to rid ourselves of these pressures and abstain from potential triggers, it’s vital to understand that we always have a choice in how we respond. It may not be easy or come naturally, but with discipline and practice, we can learn to harness our emotions rather than letting them dictate our actions.

Finding effective ways to manage our anger involves adopting techniques that can be implemented in the heat of the moment, helping us to steer back toward rationality and calm. Here are some ways that I have found helpful in managing my own anger:

Power in the pause:

Before I respond I stop and take a moment. Not only do I give myself to calm down, but I also use the pause to evaluate whether my reaction will be constructive or destructive. It’s crucial to remind ourselves that anger can make us feel powerful, but it often leads to regret and unintended consequences.

Slow and steady:

If, after thinking things through, I feel the situation requires a response, I speak slowly and intentionally. Taking the time to choose my words carefully, I avoid attacking or belittling others and instead focus on addressing the situation at hand. This approach helps me maintain control over my emotions and communicate effectively.

The power of empathy:

Empathy is a powerful tool for managing anger. By imagining ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we can better understand their perspective and find common ground. This not only helps defuse our anger but also fosters healthier and more productive communication.

Seeking Support:

Recognising when we need help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Sometimes we can be so afraid of being seen as at fault in a situation that it stops us from seeking support when we need it most. Its also important to consider where you are getting that support from. Is it from someone who can help you calmly process your emotions or are they also reacting angrily? Family and friends may be a more comfortable option, but will they challenge you and hold you accountable so that you grow? Or will they tell you what they are comfortable saying to you? Will they be able to address the root cause of your anger, or merely scratch the surface with the most recent incident?

Reflection and Growth:

Reflecting on past incidents where anger got the better of us can be enlightening in the pursuit of managing anger. By acknowledging situations where we’ve reacted poorly, we can start to identify patterns in our behaviour and triggers in our environment. Reflection isn’t about dwelling on our mistakes but learning from them, allowing us to approach similar situations differently in the future. It’s also about recognising progress, no matter how small, and understanding that mastering our emotions is gradual. With each step forward, we become better at managing anger and more adept at navigating life’s challenges. Personal growth comes from the inside out, and by taking control of our emotions, we empower ourselves to lead lives marked by resilience, understanding, and compassion.

A Lifetime Commitment

Managing anger isn’t a quick fix or an easy solution. It’s a lifelong commitment to ourselves and those around us. Fuel that commitment with the recognition that our emotions hold great power. By managing our anger, we can develop a sense of inner peace and purpose, leading us towards personal growth. Uncontrolled anger will not get you any closer to your life goals. Don’t give anyone the power to cause you to lose control of who you are or what you want to be. You are the master of your own emotions. Choose to use them wisely. And remember,

Rule your mind or it will rule you. — Horace

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My Human Library
My Human Library

Written by My Human Library

Black Creator in Technology Telling stories to help black men live the life of their dreams.

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