The Curse of the Family Feud Part 1/3: Unravelling its Roots and Consequences in Black Families
Blood, they say, is thicker than water. And, though physiologically, this statement is true, the sentiment behind it is one that has been shattered by the curse of the family feud. This curse passes through generation to generation like a virus, desecrating the values the word “family” is supposed to represent. Leaving behind it, broken fragments of a unit that was supposed to be indestructible. What was intended to be the cornerstone of society, becomes instead, a source of loneliness, pain and anger that goes on to permeate through communities and weaken the fabric of our culture.
While the curse is non-discriminatory, the devastation caused amongst black families is arguably more pronounced. For over 400 years, families were torn apart against the backdrop of blood curdling screams that carried a pain so deep it could never be silenced. And while that specific hand may not be dragging away our children, brothers, sisters and spouses anymore, there seems to be a fragility inherent within our family structure which is continuing the cycle of breaking up the family. This all too common problem is causing an emotional and psychological crisis in black families that goes beyond our immediate circles.
Once upon a time, the requirement of keeping family business private, often meant that the family members embroiled in feuds, endured the brunt of their emotions and frustrations in silence. The rise of social media and a generational shift in attitudes toward the expression of emotion, however, has meant that people have been more willing to open up and reveal the dark side of their family life. And while these revelations were simply intended to be cathartic and lead to some form of healing, it has also led to a realisation that this issue is more widespread than ever thought before.
Though many people choose to walk away and adopt a mindset that family is not the be all and end all, the truth is, the continual breakdown of families is preventing the socio economic advancement of our race. It is no coincidence that the strong, supportive and unified family units are the same ones that have been able to pull themselves out of poverty, enter into a higher socioeconomic bracket and achieve sustained success.
So what can be done to tackle the curse of the family feud?
The key is seeking to understand the causes of these feuds. The triggers may vary from family to family, but there is an underlying thread of cultural and historical trauma that has been passed on from generation to generation. If we can understand the root causes, then it may be possible to provide healing for those affected by these feuds and break the cycle for our families.
The Causes and Impact of Family Feuds
The historical and societal context of black families plays a significant role in the causes of family feuds. The consequences of systemic oppression and racism, such as poverty, lower education levels, and limited employment opportunities, often lead to intense competition between family members. A direct trauma response of our value being linked to our usefulness or achievements, often plays out as a need to do better than those closest to us and a dangerous development of jealousy and bitterness when someone is able to achieve more than what we have been able to.
The disregard that others historically held towards the importance of maintaining our family structure has seemingly impacted the way we view the importance of our togetherness today. This has resulted in the desire to advance ourselves as individuals to be placed above the need to stick together.
The absence of strong parental guidance is also another contributor to family feuds. In many cases, parents are struggling with their own traumas. Many may be able to identify the shortcomings of their parents, but are either unable or unwilling to unlearn what they experienced and provide a healthier, more supportive environment for their children.
For those unable to change, the trauma resulting from poor parenting can manifest as poor mental health, substance misuse, domestic violence and other forms of emotional abuse. The impact of this can lead to a lack of trust in relationships and an inability to produce constructive outcomes when differences arise. The culturally based rejection of seeking professional help or counselling further embeds the issue, and as a result these issues remain unresolved, lingering on until it is passed onto the next generation.
For those unwilling to change, this idea that what was good enough for them is good enough for others, and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger, often means that the individual deems it almost unfair that they had to go through what they did, and their children don’t. These types of parents often encounter an interesting challenge. They face a dichotomy where their child’s success feeds into their ego and is used as an asset to compete against their siblings or other family members in their age group so they want to encourage their success, yet it also generates a bitterness that their child may be doing better than they ever did, and so they seek to present their child with an equal or potentially more severe challenge than they had to go through to even the playing field. The number of children who believe their parents are jealous of them is truly disconcerting, yet it reveals the deep-rooted cyclical nature of family feuds.
The approach to parenting in our community is known for being associated around maintaining control through fear and guilt. This practice has the potential to have a detrimental effect on our youth development and potentially lead to mental health issues in adulthood. Fear has been known to be one of the biggest drivers of family feuds, as it prevents individuals from being their true selves or even speaking up against something that may not be right for them. Alternatively, those that chose to fight against the oppressive nature of this parenting style may be seen as rebellious and ultimately cast out of the family.
The consequences of family feuds extend far beyond the immediate family members involved. The psychological and emotional tolls of family feuds can lead to a breakdown of the family unit, leaving individuals feeling isolated and unsupported. Our children are left to enter a world scared and uncertain of themselves due to a lack of stability in their core foundation. When a child has witnessed people who were biologically designed to love each other, hurt and walk away from each other, it creates in them a fear of abandonment, mistrust and an array of additional issues that can be difficult to resolve and may present itself in a lack of self esteem, poor mental health and an affinity to joining harmful groups out of a desire to be a part of something that appears strong.
Family feuds can indeed persist for years, causing significant distress and affecting the relationships between family members. The combination of pride, shame, and fear often prevents open communication and hinders the resolution of conflicts. This situation can be particularly challenging for children who are often caught in the middle, as they may be prevented from interacting with the person their parents are feuding with. This restriction can have a detrimental impact on the relationships they have with the children of the feuding party.
Growing up, I rarely spent time with extended family and, on the odd occasion when I did, I had a mental list as long as my arm of things I couldn’t do or say. Everything from don’t eat or drink in that house or don’t mention current affairs at home for fear of witchcraft. By the time I was ten, every aunt I knew was a witch on trial.
The impact of family feuds can have lasting effects, both in the short and long term. However, it is important to remember that these feuds can be resolved, leading to healing and growth within the family. In order to move forward and break generational curses, it is crucial to gain a deep understanding of the root causes behind these conflicts.
By delving into the underlying reasons for the feuds, we can uncover patterns and dynamics that have been perpetuated across generations. This awareness allows us to take proactive steps in breaking these cycles and creating positive change for ourselves and future generations.
It is time we break the shackles tying us to the values, attitudes and beliefs of the past that result in these devastating disputes and start valuing our family structure, togetherness and respect for each other over everything. With greater understanding of the dynamics at play and ways to manage them effectively, we can move forward in repairing fractured relationships and creating a healthier path for ourselves and our families.
In the second part of our three part blog on family feuds, I’ll explore the far-reaching impact that feuds can have on our health, our children and our social and economic wellbeing.
Thanks for reading!
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