The Struggle of Black Motherhood
From the perspective of a husband, father and friend.
The complex topic of black motherhood is one able to produce a varied range of emotions, from feelings of love, pride and admiration to those of anger, frustration and despair. As a son and husband, I have had the privilege of experiencing the beauty of black motherhood. I have witnessed a degree of strength surpassing what seems humanly possible. I have felt and seen a love that is self-sacrificing and ever-giving. And I have benefitted from the fierce protectiveness and determination to see us, as a family, succeed.
Yet, the story of the black mother would not be complete without acknowledging the unique challenges and struggles they face. The generational weight of trauma passed down from mother to daughter is rarely spoken of but intensely felt. The constant pressure to be everything to everyone while also meeting the needs of their children can be overwhelming. And the conglomeration of systemic racism, stereotyping and discrimination they experience daily takes an invisible but genuine toll.
The picture of the black mother starts to develop from their childhood experiences. The little black girl, raised in a loving, supportive and truly accepting household, learns the value of her own worth early. She can become who she is determined to be rather than battle the expectations and preconceived notions of what others believe she should be. These are the women that become the mothers, wives, sisters and friends that we all admire. They lead by example and naturally pass these positive traits to their children.
On the other hand, the little black girl who isn’t as fortunate to have had such a childhood often grows into a woman who struggles to find her identity. She is often brought up in a household where her worth was determined by her ability to cook, clean and care for others. The idea of respect often conflates with fear, and love is seen almost solely as providing food, clothes and a place to live, as it may have been “more than what her parents had growing up”. She may be pitted against her siblings in a fight for attention and love. At times this battle for love can even be seen between mother and daughter for her father’s affection. The young girl can sometimes be oppressed by the idea that she may go further than her mother, but she must remember that she will never be better.
The competitive nature of the relationship between mother and daughter is, unfortunately, rarely a healthy one. The mother may see her daughter as a reflection of her insecurities and fears, which can lead to feelings of jealousy, resentment and even anger. If a mother feels threatened by her daughter, she often creates a relationship based on authority designed to “keep her in her place”. The daughter can feel like she is constantly being compared to an impossible standard and can never measure up. These feelings of inadequacy and insecurity can follow her into adulthood and even into motherhood without her being aware they exist. And for those aware of the impact that such trauma had on them, the fight to break free from the shadows cast over them by their mother sometimes lead to horrific hostilities between them.
This is the start of the journey to motherhood that too many black women face. Disadvantaged by low-self esteem, a desperate desire to feel loved and an unhealthy view of what love looks like. The unique challenges that black women face in society can exasperate these feelings. The stereotypes that follow them are often unshakeable unless they actively work to change how they are seen, further perpetuating their identity crisis.
The “angry black woman” trope has been around for centuries and is unfortunately very relevant today. Black women are constantly fighting against the stereotype that they are angry, aggressive, loud and difficult to work with. And while it is true that many women can be passionate and outspoken, these qualities are often seen as unfavourable when exhibited by black women. Black women are constantly walking a tightrope, trying to find the perfect balance between being assertive enough to be taken seriously but not so much that they are seen as “angry” or “difficult”. It is a frustrating and exhausting tightrope to walk, but one that black women have no choice but to master if they want to be successful in work and life.
The “disagreeable housewife” is another stereotype that black women are all too familiar with. This stereotype suggests that black women are poor wives and mothers who constantly argue with their husbands and children. Black women are often seen as nagging, bossy and overbearing. They are expected to be meek and submissive, and anything less is seen as a failure on their part. This stereotype can make it difficult for black women to find fulfilling and satisfying relationships, as they constantly have to battle against the perception that they are challenging to get along with.
And finally, there is the stereotype of the “alpha woman”. This is the idea that black women are strong, independent and successful but also cold, emotionless and unlovable. These black women are often seen as career-driven, ambitious, unloving, and uninterested in the family. This stereotype can make it difficult for black women to find partners willing to accept them for who they are and can often lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation. Family and friends are usually the last to check in on them or offer support, as they are assumed to be self-sufficient and should have the ability to take care of themselves. This is highly true in motherhood, where the focus is on the baby, not the mother. There is an assumption that black mothers should be able to do it all without any help or support. It’s often seen as an unfair advantage if they are given more support than their mother and grandmother.
The reality is that black women, just like any other woman, should be allowed to simply be. They should not be reduced to stereotypes or expected to live up to any standard. They are complex, multi-dimensional beings who deserve to be respected and loved for who they are. Only when we see black women as whole human beings can we begin to create a more just and equitable world for them and their families.
It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a community to restore the modern black woman’s image, honour, and value. Only when we come together as a community can we begin to change how black women are seen in society. Only then can we create a world where black women can discover who they are without the weight of stereotypes and societal expectations.
The mother free to be herself, the wife free to be loved, and the woman free to be whole.
Black mothers deserve our love, respect, honour and protection. They deserve to be understood. They deserve to be accepted.
Only then can we truly begin to see the beauty of the black mother, in all her forms.
Thanks for reading!
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